Thursday, August 7, 2008

Mama TM says.....

This post goes right along with yesterday's post....go read it, we'll wait (it's a long one too).

There is a line that my mom hits me with all the time and it always causes an argument. "Alright, keep on having all these expectations and you'll be disappointed. The sooner you learn to accept it, the better your marriage will be. But don't worry honey, I'll be here when you come crying because Count didn't give in to one of your demands." You know that record scratching sound that stops the music? Insert that right here: scrrrrrrraaaaaaaatccccccccccchhhhhhhh. What you say MamaTM??? You betta get outta here! I'm not saying I don't value my moms opinion, because my parents are on their 23rd year of marriage and that is a beautiful thing, but I will say that my mom puts up with some things from my dad that I just would not and do not tolerate. Not saying if everything isn't always sunshine and roses I'm on the first train out of my relationship. But I am saying that as women, we need to have an idea of things that we will and will not tolerate and stick to them. If you look at my family you will see that my dad treats me, my mom, and my sister all differently. Why? Because you teach people how to treat you. If you reinforce certain behaviors, good or bad, they will be repeated. I shared my feelings about my moms statement with one of our premarital counselors and she came back with an even better line "you don't need to change your expectations, you need to learn how to express them, so that he will know what they are and how to meet them." Yall I thought that was the most insightful thing since the Bible! It covers so much and deals with so much of the crap that goes on in relationships. Let me break this simple quote down:
1. Your expectation determines your outcome. If I expect great things from my relationship with the count and work toward them, that is what I'll get. If I have a mentality of oh I want this but he probably won't do it so let me just be quiet, then guess what? It'll will never get done, and I'll be unfulfilled and resentful all because I didn't share with him my expectation.
2. Communication is the key to successful relationships. All of the older wiser couples that have been talking to us about our upcoming marriage keep reiterating that to us. Learning to express yourself properly will lead to not only knowing what each other needs but it creates a bond between a couple that can't be broken. If the count is able to express to me what he needs, desires, wants, and is feeling then guess what? There is no place for Bonquisha down the block to try and fulfill a need in his life that I haven't! Why? Because we are working together to get it right.
3. If he isn't trying to meet your expectation then maybe he isn't the one for you! There are things that if I have it my way, I just won't do. My mom gets mad when I say "oh no, sorry, TM doesn't do that." When I say she gets mad, ya'll she will stop talking to me or even coming near me when I say stuff like that! But it's like seriously mom, I believe that is a job for a man, and since both of us have men, why are we here doing it? Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I can't do it, or if something, God forbid, should happen to count I wouldn't be able to suck it up and get down to doing all the things that I hate. But what I am saying is that just as husbands expect wives to cook and clean wives should expect husbands to do things too.

On Mother's Day, you know the day you honor your wife/girlfriend/jumpoff because she is the mother of your children? The day children show extra love toward the woman who birthed them...guess what mom and I were doing? Cleaning off the back of pickup truck that my dad borrowed to help carry supplies to a catering job (for a catering business he started without even consulting his wife, another story, another day). I'm all for helping out and supporting your man but it was a truck that is used for construction so the stuff on the back of it was 1. dirty, 2. heavy, 3. extra funky! Some things I couldn't even pick up! After a while I was off in the corner dry heaving because it smelled just that bad. Ya'll it was mother's day!!!!!!!! Where was my daddy? Ughhhhh in the house sitting down. Oh I was sooooooo mad, I was talking big trash outside and my mom's response was "let's just do it to help him out and then we'll go shopping to make ourselves feel better." My response "let's not do it, it will help him out more because he'll man up, and still go shopping because it's mother's day!"
I know if the count was there neither my mom nor I would have been dealing with that foolishness. This is one of the expectations I have of my fiance (it's ok if you don't mind the hard labor stuff--that's you, not me), he is aware of it, and I can't tell you the last time I had to struggle to do something in his presence. I have no problem helping, but when a man decides he should sit back and relax while women folk do stuff he should/could be doing, I have a problem. We won't even get into the time my dad was refusing to cut the grass so my mom did it and then got ran over by the lawn mower! Her whole right leg was bruised. Did I mention it was a huge riding lawn mower? Seeeeeee, that's what I'm talking bout. Foolishness because instead of telling them what you expect from them, you accept their crap and only hurt yourself in the process.

Dag, I talk to much! I had something else to say but this is way too long. I'll be back tomorrow. It's ok if you agree with my momma, talk about it, I'm all about hearing various opinions, maybe it will help me see her side. I doubt it, but hey, it's worth a try!


Product Junkie Diva said...

Great post. See this is why I think it is important for a couple to really know each other and lay their expectations on the line before marriage. If your mom expresses how she feels maybe your dad would make changes. Or maybe your mom really doesnt mind doing certain tasks. Perhaps it is a problem for you but not for her. They have had what seems like a successful marriage for over 20 years so they are clearly in a flow they have found a comfort zone, maybe you should just let them be. Have a great weekend

Therapeutic Musings said...

I try to leave it alone PJD I really do! It's just not in my nature. When I hear my mom complain about it I just want to go defend her, but you're right, it's more of a problem for me than her. Once I get out of this house I'll be able to mind my business a lot more!

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