He loves me, oh how He loves me!

During my Senior year of college, I went through a really sad period. It didn't last long, probably only a week or two, but I was looking around at all my friends that were having babies, getting engaged, and doing awesome things and I just felt left out. Not that I was ready to have children or be married, but the sense of "why isn't anything happening for me" really had me down. I just sat in my room and did nothing because I couldn't muster up the energy to keep moving. My roommate was bringing me my mail for the day and I had a copy of "The Knot" magazine and she wanted to sit down and look at it with me. I broke down and started crying and talking out how I felt left out and like God had forgotten about me and even though I try to do the right thing, it seems as if He doesn't care (I should mention that MrCount's brother and father had both passed away in the last 1.5 years- and I was still dealing with that). My friend came and hugged me and said "He hasn't forgotten you, He's preparing you. It's not your time yet. When your time comes, He wants you to be ready to fully enjoy all He has planned for you." I have not forgotten that day because what she said meant so much to me.

 

Last week I found out one of my good friends was pregnant. I think she is the first of my close friends to be actually be happy, married, and pregnant. I was so ecstatic. They haven't told anybody but their parents and us. Anybody watching our conversation could have easily figured out that she was telling me she was pregnant because I had the biggest smile on my face for twenty minutes. My friend got married three months before us, they bought a house, and they just got a new car. I'm so happy for them that I just run up to her and hug her every time I see her. It's their time, and I'm so happy for them and this unexpected blessing.

 

This past weekend MrCount and I went house hunting. We normally have a lot of fun, but on Saturday, I got really sad. There was a feeling of "we can't afford anything" and "we'll never be able to do this" and I felt really defeated. I started feeling like that God was in the middle of passing out blessings and once again, he decided to skip over us. I kept trying to figure out what we were doing wrong, why we weren't good enough, and if I should even keep trying if God doesn't seem to care. Sunday I have a class to attend before service because I'm in training to work the ministry room. I am not a big fan of the lady that was teaching this particular session, so I wasn't really looking forward to it. She said something during the class that I so needed to hear. "I'm a loud person by nature. When I pray, I get even louder- it's just who I am. Be who you are. If you have a soft voice, God can still hear you, don't worry about it. We're not training you to be robots, we're training you to fully be who God created you to be. Who you are is more than enough." I just sat and thought about what she said for the rest of the class. During praise and worship yesterday they sang "Oh how He loves." I was in the nursery checking on one of my classes and I heard it playing. I was supposed to be walking to the other side of the church to check on my next class, but as I was passing the sanctuary, God said "I'm talking to you, go in there for a minute and listen." I went and stood on the back row since I knew I had to leave right back out. As I stood there singing the song, I felt so loved, and so free that I just couldn't contain myself. Hands up, ugly crying, singing my heart out- and it was wonderful. Somehow, in the sea of 2,000 people, MrC spotted me and I felt him pressing some tissue in my hand at one point, lol. The song is so simple, but when I looked around, I could tell how many people really needed it that morning- especially me.

 

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.


We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

 

Even the gangster dude we have been bringing to church had tears streaming down his face. A simple reminder that no matter what you feel like, look like, or did last night- God still loves you is so profound and necessary.

 

 I use my morning drive as prayer time and as I was singing this song to myself this morning, God reminded me that He has me. He knows what I need, he knows what I want, and that if I don't give up, He will bring it all to pass in due time. He has me where He wants me right now, and as long as I keep listening and obeying, I'll get to where He's taking me.

 

I know I'm doing to the right thing. I know I'm being obedient, and I won't let myself start feeling like I don't measure up anymore.