Wednesday, June 4, 2008

I Blame the Hormones

Sometimes I wish I could be like him. To have the ability to turn off my phone and not care what calls I miss. Able to read a message that somebody sent me and just decide that I don’t have time to answer it but I have time to drive 30 minutes to take another friend to his ex-girlfriends house to pick up his box of crap, time to play video games, time to just sit and do nothing and decide that’s more important than answering a simple question! But I can’t be like that; it’s not how God made me. I’m too scared that I’ll miss something major, I won’t be there when somebody needs me, or that my fiancĂ© won’t know how important he is to me if I don’t put him first. We are going to become one in a few short months and two can’t fully become one if he keeps putting other numbers ahead of her.

What trips me out is that he really doesn’t see how this is affecting me. What do you think leads to divorce? It is a serious of little stupid events, built up over time that causes a person to just say that’s it! I can’t take it any more. You don’t even remember what you’re fighting about because it’s now just a culmination of them all, and instead of looking into his eyes and seeing the person you fell in love with so many years ago, all you see is the person who constantly frustrates you.

I know I need to take some responsibility in all this; after all it is me that gets so mad that I refuse to talk. Well I’m talking now; this is why I feel how I feel:

I HATE it when you turn your phone off, or just don’t answer, or let me know you got home safe! Why? The day your brother passed I called you over and over all day because we had plans. I was pissed you didn’t answer and then I found out why and I blamed myself partly because I could have been praying instead of being pissed. The day they took Pops to the hospital you wouldn’t answer your phone and your sister had to call me and I had to be the one to look you in the eye and tell you your daddy was in the ICU. Every time you go extended periods without answering the phone I turn into the Prayer Warrior Princess because I cannot go through this again, my world would turn upside down if I had to do it without you.

I HATE when you decide to put your friends ahead of me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s your heart for people and your generosity that I LOVE about you most. But when your heart always seems to reach out to meet others needs over mine, I think that is where your heart truly lies. I want it to be us meeting each others needs first and then going out to help other people.

I HATE when I am upset with you and you mock me/mimic me/stick your fingers up my nose/or make me feel like I’m just another overdramatic woman (even though sometimes I am). I want to feel like you’re listening to me/that you care about fixing the issue (no matter how far out of proportion I have blown it)/and that you care about my feelings. Honestly, when I feel like the person I’m talking to doesn’t care it sends me into a rage and I shut down. Open yourself to me and I will open myself to you.

Babe,I know I love me and I love you too, and since we’re going to be stuck with each other for the next 70 years or so, we might as learn each other so we can make it a happy 70 years.
I think I should have written this last night; then I wouldn’t have had to wake up to swollen eyes. Tomorrow, I’ll be back with some not so heavy stuff, lol.


Girlfriend said...

I hope you're feeling better!

Mrs Count said...

Thanks girlfriend! I am doing so much better now.

CC said...

i know what you mean, my boyfriend doesn't take me seriously when im arguing, lol, it drives me nuts but I love him...

ps. ill be reading all your blogs tonight from june until i can feel like i am on the journey with you. congrats on the wedding.

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