Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Life Lessons with TM

Yesterday I was a ball of wit and insight all day long. Even though TheCount put his hand over my mouth and asked me to refrain from speaking forever, I know he was just jealous that I knew everything about everything and he knows nothing. Here are some of the great things that I know about life that you should know too.
1. Sometimes you need to move away from your family.
       Remember Lisa from yesterday. What I didn't tell y'all is that I have 2 cousins named Lisa. What did they do to differentiate between the 2? Use a nickname. Y'all they called her Big Lisa. All.The.Time. Even if "smaller" Lisa wasn't around, even when smaller Lisa moved 6 hours away for 15 years. Granted, she was large, like 300 pounds, but still! "Big Lisa is in the hospital...oh you should get Big Lisa to sing...hey Big Lisa, can you pass me a plate..." it was like that's what they put on her birth certificate (knowing he parents, they might have). Also, her obituary was clearly written by somebody that wasn't too fond of her. They focused on her failures and sickness, not on the positive. I don't know what she did to deserve such treatment from family (perhaps she killed all her siblings, but that's the only thing that warrants such harshness) but I think if she would have moved away, life would have been a lot better for her.
2. Respond to nothing but your name.
     I went walking at lunch with my workout buddy yesterday. A car behind us honked, and she turned around. I immediately yelled at her to never do that again, "we don't respond to honks!" She laughed and replied, "sorry ma, I thought it might be somebody we knew." If they knew us, they should have used our names. A little while later on our walk somebody hollered some kind of cat call out the window, she looked. She caught herself and was like "sorry, force of habit." Psst'ing, honking, hey girl in the blue shirt, or hey baby'ing as you drive by are not an acceptable way to get a woman's attention. If they really are intrigued by you they will pull the car over, get out, and approach you with an "excuse me miss/ma'am." Trust me, it happens to me, and I aint even all that cute! Since she is very pretty, I know she could get that same respect if she stopped responding to ignorant fools not worth her time. I have since signed her up for a one on one session of Life Lessons with TM, email me if you would like to join the class, amazingly,
all slots are open.
3. Popeye's and Swine Flu are going to bring about the Apocalypse.
     Mass panic from swine flu and mass coonery and mockery from Popeye's are going to cause us all to be wiped out. Please protect yourself from both.
If you are wondering "who does TM think she is to be dropping knowledge on us like this?" Please stop wondering. I have already been called a classy lady once today, and that's my daily validation and all the proof I need to know that I am qualified to teach this class. I'm sure I will have more wonderful knowledge to bestow upon you at a later date, but I think this is all the world is ready for right now!


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