Friday, September 5, 2008

The Idiots Guide to Living with TM

People, this is a joke! I would never seriously express myself this way. I am going to give it to him though to see how he reacts. If he gets past number 1, I'll let you guys know how it goes. He'll probably be like "hmm, I see you want to be living alone forever huh?" Here goes folks:

1. If I am sleep, whatever it is can wait. Obviously I was tired if I went to sleep. This is not the time to start up a conversation, grope, grab, or fondle me. It will make me lash out and say mean words which will definitely not get you toward your desired goal.
2. If I am sleep and you wake up, that doesn’t mean I’m ready to get up. So it’s 2pm on Saturday and I’m still asleep? Ohhhh well buddy, I must have been tired. Maybe if you didn’t keep talking last night while I was trying to rest I would be up!
3. The best way to wake me up? It’s definitely not with words, music, or tv. Cook some food. Yup yup. Go in the kitchen and start cranking out chocolate chip waffles and I will probably be up showered and ready to roll before you know it.
4. When getting up to get ready for work or church I like to ease into my day. I don’t wake up talking and rushing around. When I rush in the morning I get nosebleeds, the same happens when I’m startled awake. Wherever we have to be will still be there when we get there so just chill!
5. I do not scrape dishes. I do not stick my hands in dirty dishwater. As I cook I clean, follow suit. If you eat off of a plate and put it in the sink without fully rinsing it (get the sauces off, the cheese off, other things that cling to glass) then it will stay there until you wash it. You know I’m not playing; it will stay for a day, 2 weeks, or a year. I’m stubborn; you know I’ll do it, lol.
6. If you hear me scream, just come running (when I was younger the Christmas tree fell on me, I screamed nobody came. One time my dresser fell on me, the neighbors heard me, but my own darn family didn’t move). It’s probably a bug so come kill it. It’s not the time to give me lectures on how I shouldn’t be scared of bugs. Clearly I am. Kill it and move on.
7. Dude, the fastest way to make me poison your food is to leave the bathroom dirty. Toilets are cleaned at MINIMUM once a week; if I lift up the seat and see pee stuff I will throw up and then go poison your food. The sink should be wiped out as often as necessary with the disinfecting wipes that will undoubtedly be sitting right there in the bathroom. Don’t get me started on the shower!
8. The closets are broken down as such: Dress bottoms (then arranged by color), dress tops (then arranged by colors), regular shirts (arranged by colors), jackets (arranged by event type [dressy, chill, workout]), and lastly sweaters (arranged by dressy or chill and then color). I fall on the ground twitching when I go to a closet and there is no order.
9. Only Tide detergent can be used unless you are going to run me back and forth to the dermatologist and other doctors. Dryer sheets cannot be used. Only unscented plain Tide detergent (in the white bottle with green writing) can be used on the towels. Bras do not go in the dryer. Jeans must be immediately taken from the dryer and folded to be put away. Why? Because I don’t believe in ironing play clothes so unless you are going to iron it for me, I suggest you don’t let it get wrinkled.
10. You will not allow anyone to disrespect our home. I don’t care if it’s your great uncle Sammie J, we don’t allow drinking in our home and even if he’s had a beer every night for the last 86 years. He better take that mess somewhere else. The smell sickens me and if we allow one person to drink somebody else will try it and make me throw them off the balcony. Also if somebody smokes (clears throat this is to you myBFF) they are not to sit on anything cloth. They can sit at the dining room table and if they smell really bad they will stand on the balcony. Under no circumstances are they to enter the bedroom. Just a bonus: if one of your friends EVER throws up near where I sleep again. They will be shot on site. Those dudes better be glad my sister pleaded for their lives that time we were on vacation and one threw up in the bedroom door and the other in the master bathroom. Seriously, not cool at all! No questions asked, shot on site! Have the flu? Stay home, or I'll save you a copay because you will be SHOT ON SITE!


Anonymous said...


I need to copy this and post it up on my fridge.

Mrs Count said...

You should and see if anybody takes you seriously! Since you mentioned it I'm going to post it on the fridge after I help him move in!

antithesis said...

lol, but what if there was really someone like that and they meant it? that might actually be me for some of them...i need help, lol!

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